
How Do We Tell the Children?: A Step-by-Step Guide for Helping Children Cope When Someone Dies
Dan Schaefer, Christine Lyons, David Peretz (Foreward)
Newmarket Press
Buy: How Do We Tell the Children?: A Step-by-Step Guide for Helping Children Cope When Someone Dies
From A Press Release
Book Description
Now in its third edition, a practical guide for anyone who works or lives with children deals with questions about loss and change, fear and sadness, and life and death.
The World Trade Center and Pentagon tragedies, witnessed on television by people all around the world, many of them children, brought into focus how little adults are prepared to talk with children about the subject of death. It's an inescapable reality that children are witnessing violence and accidents on a daily basis?on television, in the movies, and in real life. Many of them will be faced with the loss of a parent through death, divorce, or desertion. How can adults help young ones cope with these traumas? How do they explain and console in language that a child can understand? How can they be honest without adding to the child's fears?
Author Dan Schaefer, Ph.D., a consultant with military and police survivors and a former funeral director, answers these questions in his book HOW DO WE TELL THE CHILDREN?: A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE FOR HELPING CHILDREN TWO TO TEEN COPE WHEN SOMEONE DIES. He has expanded the book, now in its third edition, to include new material to help adults as well as children cope with the impact of traumatic events, providing adults with strategies to assist children with grief and trauma and offer time-tested advice and language that children can understand.
In five chapters, the book includes sections on:
What children think about death,
Explaining death to children,
Fear, confusion, and sadness,
Grief and healing,
The funeral and saying goodbye,
Talking about AIDS,
Communicating with mentally ill children,
And personal stories of parenting through trauma.
In his preface, Dr. Schaefer addresses the World Trade Center disaster and the trauma experienced by so many:
"Our nation has just sustained the most devastating terrorist attacks in its history. The loss of life is almost beyond our ability to comprehend. The impact of this traumatic event on surviving families, co-workers, rescue workers, and those who witnessed the events around the world is beyond calculation. It is my sincere hope that the information contained in this new edition, with a new section specifically directed toward traumatic loss, will help us all create a nurturing environment where those affected may heal."
For this purpose, Dr. Schaefer includes in this new edition a Crisis Checklist, intended to serve as a quick reference to the information given in more detail throughout the book. In this section, he provides strategies to confront the problem of telling your child about death:
- Accept that it's not easy.
You may: Be upset and stressed; Lack energy; Feel unable to concentrate; Worry about how your emotions will affect your child; Be concerned about the effect of death on your child; Want to protect your child from pain; Not know how much your child understands about death
- Be prepared for resistance from others.
People may say of your children: They don't know what's going on; Wait until later to tell them; Make up a story; Don't say anything; Send them away until the funeral is over; Why do you want to put them through this?
- Consider saying to these people:
I really could use your help; I believe that what I am doing is the right thing for my child and me; You can help me by reinforcing what I am telling them, or by saying nothing. Don't undermine my effort.
- Parents should know that children will:
Read emotions around them; Respond to body language; Overhear conversations; Ask questions directly or indirectly
About the Authors: DAN SCHAEFER, Ph.D. has served as a guest faculty member at the College of Physicians and Surgeons, Columbia University, and the graduate schools at New York, Adelphi, Hofstra, and Rutgers universities. He has consulted with both military and police survivors. For more than thirty years he managed a family-owned funeral home that served families for four generations. "How do we tell the children?" was the question most often asked by grieving parents. His invaluable past experience and current work as President of Peak Performance Strategies have contributed to this practical and wise new edition. He lives in New York City.
CHRISTINE LYONS is a journalist and reporter whose work has appeared in The New York Times and The New York Post, among other publications. She lives in New York City.
Buy: How Do We Tell the Children?: A Step-by-Step Guide for Helping Children Cope When Someone Dies
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